Lessons of Humbleness or Forgiveness

I started to write this blog last night but i couldn't. I was catching up with co-workers and allowing them to entertain me. I'm sorry there's no pics or drawing for me to throw in here this time around. It's just simply my words. I've had a very humbling weekend which allowed me to practice something different for a change. Currently i'm practicing the art of forgiveness.

Without getting to wordy i bumped into a girl that i was madly in love with and she had the guy she ultimately left me for with her. Normally during these type of meeting i would get one of those bottom dropping out of my stomach feelings. This time i felt nothing at all. Of course i was mad for one hot second but it passed just as quickly as it came. At that moment i realized that i was willing to forgive her for the past. The worst part is that i couldn't even continue to be mad at him or her, because everything in life plays out as it has to. Life is like a play that we don't understand nor know where it going but we all there experiencing it.

Yesterday morning i messaged her and told her no hard feeling. Is this a sign that i am growing up and i'm getting deeper as a person? I guess those Western philosophy books are actually paying off.

You Can't Stop the Rain II

(this is a picture of Chris in his normal Nintendo DS sketch pose)

It's another rainy day today and i'm slowly coming down from my high of spending time in Richmond this past weekend. The weather doesn't bother me much it just give me the perfect setting to do what i enjoy best "be lazy." Often at work i get asked the question what would i be doing if you had off today. It's a simple one, "nothing at all!" Why not curl up in a comforter and fall asleep if you aren't obligated to go anywhere at all? I'm slightly disappointed because i had a strong desire to enter a show. The deadline is already here and in a couple of hours it will be gone and my tree limbs of creativity bare no fruit. Of course i could throw in any piece but what good would that be. It's almost like going out for an evening on the town and still wearing the same clothes you cut the grass in. You know what it looks like even if others don't but why do it? So i'm forfeiting my right to enter the show this time around i'll simply encourage my other fellow artist on this exhibition. It's been a while since i've competitively tried my hand at exhibitions but i feel things will change.

You Can't Stop the Rain..

by Loose Ends is a good old school song that i discover over and over again. The tone is relaxed something that i attempt to do most of the time and i believe it leads off this blog perfectly


(my sketches for the last 2 drawing sessions)

Quite often i worry about my friends. Sometimes i know that i should because they are grown and regardless they still will make the decisions that they need to. This is one girl i know that is sad at the moment. She seemingly had her head wrapped around a book image of love and compared it to her own life. That's a typically a bad thing to do when you measure yourself against others. There are times when you find yourself lacking. She claimed romance was missing from her life. I wish i could give her romance but i can't, because that blurs the lines of friendship. All i can seemingly offer is support.
While i also feel helpless with another friend that i know on a personal level. The only way i can describe this is like watching 2 cars crash together and being on the outside looking in. You feel like you know the outcome already and you try to warn the parties involved but it happens anyways. I'm not sure if she's on a downwards spiral but i notice destructive patterns. I can only use the term 'i'm worried about you" so many times before it's as common as the term "good morning." Sometimes words are just words.

"She Hides Among the Clouds"

I found this image on a female database which carries models, actress, sport figures, and a little bit of everything in between. It's strange how you run across things sometimes but she's a Japanese bikini model, Yoko Matsugane. I have plenty of Japanese print books which i was originally going to use for a reference but instead i changed my mind and went with the simple circular cloud design. i wanted to give her the illusion of being nude without actually having her visually that way.

"Today and Everyday After" (pic & sketch)

My mood truthfully and honestly has been dark thanks to a broken heart. It's okay, because i have faith in love and in the future. I used this image to illustrate that belief. I normally like to attempt to use a topic that everyone can relate to and that is universal. Love just so happens to be my topic of choice.
This is a picture of Michelle and her husband Gab as he returned from his deployment. The beautiful thing about this image is that it's classic. The thought has been captured in numerous photos all symbolizing love at it's strongest point. If i had a nickname for this point in time i would call it the "awakening". Love is fresh and new and full of endless possibilities.

I was going to do a very strong art nuevo image but i decided to do a pencil sketch. Maybe the next go around i'll create the image i wanted. The title actually comes from a line i heard late at night while watching Foxy Brown staring Pam Grier. Not the greatest movie ever made but still something to watch.

James: Artist on Artist (pic & sketch)

My last couple of blogs have been rather grim even for myself. I have been doing through a spell that have caused some to worry about my well being. Sad to say for the last couple of weeks i've been focused on my art work so much i skipped lunch everyday at work and i refused to go little or nowhere at all. I'm not saying that's a good thing because it isn't but some very heartfelt pieces came out of it. I mentioned that i don't cry much so my art did most of the work for me. The good news is that i'm back to myself.

James if one of the guy that i knew was ahead of his time when i first saw some of his sketches in my art classes. His drawing were very stylized but classic comic book drawings. I was blown away by the speed and the efficient way he sketched. The best part mostly all his drawings came strictly for his own imagination. Needless to say he was good. I found this picture interesting because there are very few times when you can catch an artist mastering his craft. I originally wanted to do something refined with this sketch. The more i began to play around with the pen and ink the more i realized i liked being free.

Lacuna's Dream (Old Photogrpahs)

A photograph is worth 1 thousand words i've often heard. This photograph has a story about my past. The explanation to this piece hopefully will be deep. As i know many people are wondering the girl in the picture's name is Eva. She's from Austria and at one point in our lives we were really good friend.

I'm a movie buff and i watch a lot of movies and a few months ago i brought Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. For those of who you haven't seen the movie i won't ruin the plot but it posed a question which i applied to my drawing. "If you could erase the hurt and pain in your life, would you?" Seriously think about all the bad things that happen, no matter how small or great and if you could make them vanish would you? I'm not going to say Eva is a bad person because she isn't. In all truthfulness i allow her more than i could ever put into words.

That's only part of the methodology behind this piece. The erase is one of the standard erases from elementary school than i used as a model. On the erase is written " Dr. M's Lacuna" which is taken from the movie. Lacuna was the name of the device created by Dr. Miezrwiak that would erase the past. The eraser seems to rub away at the picture in which it encircles. The picture was actually taken from a trip to Florida at the height of our relationship. My stronger hand being the left holds attempting to hold onto the past (the photo). The ring is one that i purchased some years ago to symbolize as a reminder that i would never allow another girl to break my heart again. The wood grain backing is part of my easel in my studio in which i work.

I only have 1 last question to ask you, "Look into my eyes and tell me what you see?"

Abbi (pic & sketch)

(Abbi, a friend of Bryant and Brandon, someone i've never meet but i liked the photo so i borrowed it)

When i come home to my apartment. I always seem to find scatter photos on the floor reminding me of friends, people i've never meet and lost love. No matter how many piles i tuck them into they always seem to pop up. A bamboo plant which i named "Jade" is there as well. Tonight is Tues night and normally i would be drawing or sketching with my fellow artist but i'm not. At the moment our meeting place seems like a distant place which i can't go to. Perhaps the group misses me, maybe they don't.

My best friend called this past weekend, but i didn't talk to him for long. He wanted to get together but he still owes me $400. Sad to say if it's about anything close to that then why try. Another close female friend called to let me know that the guy she was 110% all about broke her heart. I guess a part of me wondered how can i mend someone else's heart if i can't mend my own. This same friend attempted to hook me up on a blind coffee date. The girl in question was nice and sweet but my mind is elsewhere at the moment. Just to prove my point, the starbuck/ Barnes & Noble cafe girl [ i wrote about some time ago] asked another manager about me. The whole he's "bald, tall, deep voice, big cheek" you can imagine the routine but i'm just not there. My best fear is that i can't be the type of person she or anyone other female would want at the moment because i have changed.

Kimani, Bryant and Me

(Kimani NYE '08 playing around)

(Bryant being Bryant)


( a rough of a self portrait that is still under construction)

Someone asked me ,why was i so sad? There are many reasons that i could go on for days and days about but instead i'll give you the answer that fits best. I'm sad because i have to be. In theory that makes sense, when you want to rebuild things there are always cases of destruction. This is that moment! Who knows maybe even a couple of weeks or months from now this blog will seem like a distant memory. I guess it also makes sense that i'm sad because that artwork gets the undivided attention it needs when i feel this way. Possibly I'm angry, upset, and hurt but i'm dedicated at the moment.

I saw 2001: A Space Odssey for the first time as well as Watchmen this past week. It's getting late and i feel enlightened.

Ann in a (Blue Study)..

If anyone was about ask me how i was feeling today i would say about 45%. I haven't felt 100% for some time, but i don't blame anyone at all. I just draw and the odd thing is the more i do that i still feel empty. Drawing never had this affect on me before. My mood has a little to do with the fact why i draw Ann in blue. I wanted to do a mono tone blue study. I guess like most artist go through phase where they use the same colors over and over again would help explain everything. My blue stage is actually a color i used for some time. Perhaps it means the obvious as being sad or perhaps it means cool.

My top 5 songs at this moment

1. Erykah Badu - Ye Yo
2. Sade - King of Sorrow
3. Maxwell - Lifetime
4. Earth, Wind & Fire - Getaway
5. Raphael Saadiq - Still Ray

Portrait of a Broken Man/ My Phone Never Rang

I had one friend tell me that my blog made her sad as i wrote about my personal experiences. Another decided to check up on me to make sure that i had not taken a horrible downwards spiral. I have flashes of happiness. I wish i could preach that everything was all rainbows and blue skies but it isn't. But as i said i still have flashes of happiness and sometimes that's enough to keep me going.

I wrote a couple of weeks ago that i was going to start a self portrait trilogy. This isn't going to be a pretty journey inside of me. This is will be honest and truthful about my feelings.

If i had to describe what heartache feels like it would be like having hunger pains from not eating all day and then getting punched in your stomach. It hurts, it stings and it never seems to go away. Most of the females i talk to have the typical task of waiting for a guy to call them. Checking their phones periodically, their emails, as they attach every single hope and pray that their person of choice will be on the other end. Quite often that response if any never occurs, but they aren't alone. Guys go through these same experiences as well and more important i have. So often in fact that i wanted to document it in a drawing. If it was possible for me to take a picture of me at my "most hurt" then i would have but instead i staged this picture which i believe is very close. I look back at this moment and i feel silly for saying not only did i want this person to call but i waiting for a call that never happen.