Zombies, depression, & me

I know those 3 topics sound like a bad horror movie for the 80s or a poorly written how to book. Still i hope to explain how they are related. Even though this post is going to be another non-art related post,with no art work.  For most of this week i haven't want to do anything close to drawing or painting. Even though i got off at 5pm on Tues i didn't head out to my local drawing group session. I've been beat down, frustrated, upset and depressed, I've come home for work and been in bed well before my normal bedtime. It's been due to me officially being on my final written warning. Trust me, it means exactly what it says. One more slip up, screw up, mess up and they legally can let me go. Just saying that has a numbing effect over me at the moment. I feel that i'm truly in the twilight of my career at my job and no matter what i do it will never be enough. The thought of bills and how i will pay them come to mind as i fight to save my job.
Oddly enough i had a co-worker some time ago that told me that one of his grad school friends was writing a paper. In the paper it showed the connection between the current (or always ) popularity of zombie films and USA financial state. He went on to state that even though we all are struggling in some form to pay bills and get ourselves out of debt that we all find ourselves on a personal island. We feel that we are alone and find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The same logic might be viewed in zombie movies/shows. The characters try hard to remain alive and even if they are living in a group they still feel alone. It's an individual struggle that comes to the realist thing they can feel.
Depression is like that for me. It's hereditary and has been passed down from my mom's side of the family. Honestly it's had a grasp in some shape or form over my entire family but still it's a personal struggle. It's something i grapple with more when the chips are down then when they're up. Currently it's a little harder than normal to deal with. Since moving i don't have mind-numbing cable tv to drown out the sadness but the good thing is i'm relying on my art to become something positive.

Why I don't enter my work in competitions any more?

I have fellow artist who exhibit and enter their works quite frequently. Rightfully so, they should because they are very good artist and most of them have found their style, niche in Hampton Roads art community. As exhibiting applies to me, i find another path. A path that states i won't enter shows. Recently i watched one of my favorite movies Redbelt again. I watch it sometimes when emotionally i feel like i'm not in control of certain situations in life. The main character states calmly that he doesn't enter competitions because it's draining. It takes a lot out of artist, athlete to compete against others in the hopes of winning a prize. I find myself preparing myself with ideas of i would walk away with this award or prize money and ultimately getting a nice rejection letter in exchange. The time and energy that's put towards creating something free spirited is done so with the pressure of labor. I only find competition within myself. I find myself trying to draw a better drawing than the one i did previously. I understand fully that my works may never land myself on a grand scale of who's who in the art world but that's okay with me.
Overall i agree with dj Rob Swift it is draining, frustrating and upsetting to compete.

Ashley Skyy ( pic & sketch)

This is yet another sketch of Ashley Skyy. I can't remember how i found a picture to begin. i can say that her long hair, strong facial features, and self photo made this one an idea sketch.

More A$AP Rocky (pic & sketch)

this is actually my second sketch i did on this past Sat night, early Sun morning. I was so frustrated with the fact that the original sketch i spent about an hour on Sat afternoon i had to throw away. I began this slightly more detailed one.

A$AP Rocky (pic & sketch)

 I hate to say this but often my artwork is motivated by those fellow artist surrounding me. I look at their sketches/drawings and think to myself can they really be better than me? i know as an individual i should only be focused on myself. Making myself a better artist but often the small notes of jealousy creep in and i challenge myself.
This is yet another rap artist who i have only begun listening to. He have very little of his music but from what i am able to gather he has quite a big following.

The yearly Funk (of sorts)

i hate to say this but it generally comes around this time or later that i get emotionally down. I don't want to blame the hot weather because that's an easy cop out but this year is different. So many different changes that i'm going to openly share with everyone has harden me and made me the tortured artist at this moment.

1. the power to be/corporate management at Old Navy: want me performance managed out due to lack of organization and drive. 
2. i had to moved: that comes whole new set of bills including paying rent twice within a 2 week period
3. i took a trip to Florida: i over-extended my budget on that vacation to the point of actually becoming the starving artist last week
4. my relationship with my gf: all those things above has made my relationship with my gf, Cara even more rockier than normal.

Oddly enough you would think that those things would cripple me as a person and send my world into a tailspin. Honestly some of it has. I go to bed earlier emotionally drained and tired. I text less, talk on the phone and hang out with friends sparingly. I'm trying to auto-correct in my isolation. Still above all else i managed to draw. I draw more often 

now.

Donna whispers Thor!!! (pic & sketch)

This all started off as a small joke about our friend Donna. She was salivating over the actor that played Thor. She went on and on about how dreamy and well built he was, i guess in some aspects a lot of women would agree with her on that notion. This entire night at the drawing group we teased her about secretly whispering the name Thor as if he was a lost lover that she saw everywhere. Hence this drawing came from that small fact

my latest commission

it goes without saying my last commission didn't turn out to well. Of course i could've sat and allowed myself to be consumed with the idea that i'm not really that good of an artist. The honest truth is.. i'm not. That's what i draw and paint so often because my goal is to be mistake free, to become so focused that i won't make any mistakes ever again. So yes i draw 3 or 4 times a week for more than an hour because that's part of my quest to be great.
Enough ranting this is my sketch my sister asked for to give to my dad. It still isn't mistake free but i wanted to get back to my roots again. i wanted to do nothing but use a regular #2 pencil. Unheard of in the modern art world because not there's so many shades of pencil why would you use just one? The answer is simple to understand the weight and shade in which each stroke needs.

Julia (pic & sketch)

Julia is one of the people i follow on tumblr. I was drawne to her interesting artwork and the manner in which she presents it. Honestly a small part of me envy her talent. Well recently over the past months she's posted a  story telling about her journey. I was moved by her story enough to draw a small sketch of her. Granted it's not my masterpiece of all-time. But it's a small way i can pay respect to a person who is beautiful not only inside but outside as well.

Norfolk Drawing Group #102

This is my first week back fresh off of vacation. I'm glad i came out this evening to draw. Work had been extremely stressful that day and i need to attempt to unwind just a little. As it a productive night? I'm not sure i got some ok sketches but nothing amazing (yet).

norfolk Drawing group: 101

I was treated to another a new model to me. I can tell when it's one of those reasons or times that i need to go. This was one of those nights. Our model this evening was a slender Russian former ballerina. She easily fit the stereotypical thoughts of what you would think. Overall she was a great model, i just wish i had better drawing to reflect that.

Waiting (pic & sketch)

There are so many words i could say about my girlfriend, Cara. One of those words that i use to describe her sometimes is patient. She's very patient when it comes to not only dealing with a long distance relationship but with me as well. It isn't easy being on a long distance relationship. Especially when it comes to moments when you can't be emotionally available to build other up and be built up yourself. It's taxing and not everyone can deal with that.

reflections of my norfolk state days

i tell people sometimes that when i use to be a very bad artist.Yes i could draw a little but it wasn't great. In the process of cleaning up and preparing myself for moving soon i ran across an old huge sketch pad from college. This was my first semester in the art program after waiting until my senior year in elementary education to deciding to transfer to the art department. I remember my parents questioning my judgement if that was something wise to do. If i hadn't made that decision my life would be totally different.
So in an art class that challenged the way i drew and trained my to become a student of art more than a past time hobby. I find myself looking at these sketches sometimes glad to have gone through the process.

Gangsta Abby (pic & sketch)

This one is starts off a good joke. Abby is one of my good friends from the Drawing Group and as of lately we all have been giving each other the comedic roast. Sadly to say Devon gets most of the roasting but this Tuesday night after drawing it was Abby's turn. For some reason i can't quite recall at the moment but Abby thought she was cool or urban enough to attempt to do the hand gestures/gang sign for west side. She attempted to morph her fingers into the W but she failed and came up a little less than convincing. Tony and i both joked that we should do a drawing about this. I actually wanted to have this done in time to show the kids at an elementary school art exhibit but i was a little to late.

Norfolk Drawing Group 100: 99 drawings better than before

It's hard to believe that i've been going to 100 drawing sessions. Quietly as i kept that a mystery over the past 5 years it seems like a personal accomplishment. I've become a better artist. I won't admit it loudly but i can see growth in my work. I can also see that i've experimented and struggled in hopes of becoming a truly well rounded artist. I got out of work a little later than i would've liked to but this is one of 3 sketches that i did this night. For some reason it's not posted the others the way i want them to. Maybe i'll try again later

Why would you pick my picture

Why would you pick my picture?of all the people though?: was just one in a series of questions that i was asked. The truth isn't always as glamorous as we would like it to be. But i'll try my best to sum it all up. The logical reason would be that i chose her in that image because i liked the pose. Especially since i follow her posts that i would ask permission to use her image for a drawing/sketch.

The underlining reason why i drew her picture is a little deeper. I'm a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason." I get grief from my friends when i try to explain it's a greater power. Everyone has their own versions of what greater power it could be or if there's one at all. Still i believe things happen as they should. It's granted that i don't know her on a personal level outside of what she posts. Just maybe i draw her picture because she had been having a bad day, week or month? Maybe i drew Ashley to let her know even if she didn't think that she is cute, pretty or special someone else did? Maybe i just wanted to share my artwork with a stranger in hopes that she would do the same for someone else? Or maybe i just think to much?

Norfolk Drawing Group #99

This is one of those night when i got off of work and knew i needed to draw. I needed to do something to relieve some stress and attempt to do something creative. So I actually made it out early and got myself a got spot just one problem. There was no model, the model ended up getting into an accident and almost totally her car. It's always a good thing when you have a good stand in model like Abby. She did a very good job. I wish my sketches were a little better to reflect it.

Eloise (pic & sketch)

Eloise, is one of the girl's post that i fellow on Tumblr. I was drawing to the way that her hair swoops down directly over her face in this self photo. Oddly enough i wanted the image of her to fade in and out with the toned paper. Overall i used 4 color pencils to create this one. i didn't want to go to literal with this drawing, perhaps on my next one i will?!

Devon as "Panda Man"

this is one of those inside jokes that we had in the group. I wish i could explain it and even if i did would it be funny enough to make you laugh. I'm not sure so i'll save us both the effort.

Kimberly ( pic & sketch)

This is more of a tribute to one of my good friends that i use to work with. I have met plenty of good people at during my tour of work at Old Navy. I can't believe it's coming up on 10 years this September. Kimberly is one of those good friends that i encountered during my fun times opening up Old Navy's in Va/Nc. We shared drinks, laughs and always seemed to have a great time. That's something that i can never forget and i will be always enriched for.

Ultimately i liked the idea of the pose that she has. She is a women of strong faith and with that comes a journey of being challenged daily. Like all battles it's one that she wins and everyone can win as well. This was just a glimpse into one of those moments.

Black Girl Lost Series (pic & sketch)

It was one of those things where all the stars seemed to be aligned and come one point. This is one of my emotionally deeper post that i've done in a while. I was listening to the radio last week and the topic of the day was: Do you think the media plays a part in why light skin and dark skin African Americans feel about each other? Some calls pointed out yes while other callers pointed out that in most music videos and lyrics that every other race is identified but our own. I took stock of my own artwork for a moment. I have drawn few black females. There could be numerous reasons why, maybe the pose wasn't right or the body type wasn't right either or maybe it's something deeper? Just to add fuel to the fire a little i have been watching Malcolm X on tv this week. One of the movie channels has pulled this movie out it's film vault and been cycling through it repeatedly. His militant attitude and idea mindset spoke to that side that knew a change had to be made artistically.

Oddly enough before all this i had been thinking about a song by rapper NaS by the same title Black Girl Lost. In the song he talks about the African Americans women lost of self worth due to chasing material goals. Finally i liked the expressiveness of her facial features. It was clear to see that its an amateur photo with soul and grit into it that i was drawn to.

norfolk drawing group #98

My last sketch session spoke of the decline of good art work from me. this is a testment to just that. It was painting night and i haven't painting for a while outside of the painting that i done around the house i'm staying at. Therefor that translates to no painting for fun. Challenging myself i thought i would bring my paints out this evening. I should've practice first because it was all crap. The most disappointing part is that she was a beautiful model, therefor i missed a golden opportunity to create some good pieces.

the painting on the canvas paper started off well until i realized that i shrunk her head. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice shrunk her head.

finally i gave up and went back to using my color pencils and it still didn't reach it's full potential.

norfolk drawing group #97

It was another crappy night for me. Or should i say the decline of my recent high on completing good sketches. Overall i wasn't happy

female nude studies

this one was a quick 15 min. sketch. i timed myself to see how quickly i could do this.

Lady Gaga (pic & sketch)