Zombies, depression, & me

I know those 3 topics sound like a bad horror movie for the 80s or a poorly written how to book. Still i hope to explain how they are related. Even though this post is going to be another non-art related post,with no art work.  For most of this week i haven't want to do anything close to drawing or painting. Even though i got off at 5pm on Tues i didn't head out to my local drawing group session. I've been beat down, frustrated, upset and depressed, I've come home for work and been in bed well before my normal bedtime. It's been due to me officially being on my final written warning. Trust me, it means exactly what it says. One more slip up, screw up, mess up and they legally can let me go. Just saying that has a numbing effect over me at the moment. I feel that i'm truly in the twilight of my career at my job and no matter what i do it will never be enough. The thought of bills and how i will pay them come to mind as i fight to save my job.
Oddly enough i had a co-worker some time ago that told me that one of his grad school friends was writing a paper. In the paper it showed the connection between the current (or always ) popularity of zombie films and USA financial state. He went on to state that even though we all are struggling in some form to pay bills and get ourselves out of debt that we all find ourselves on a personal island. We feel that we are alone and find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The same logic might be viewed in zombie movies/shows. The characters try hard to remain alive and even if they are living in a group they still feel alone. It's an individual struggle that comes to the realist thing they can feel.
Depression is like that for me. It's hereditary and has been passed down from my mom's side of the family. Honestly it's had a grasp in some shape or form over my entire family but still it's a personal struggle. It's something i grapple with more when the chips are down then when they're up. Currently it's a little harder than normal to deal with. Since moving i don't have mind-numbing cable tv to drown out the sadness but the good thing is i'm relying on my art to become something positive.

Why I don't enter my work in competitions any more?

I have fellow artist who exhibit and enter their works quite frequently. Rightfully so, they should because they are very good artist and most of them have found their style, niche in Hampton Roads art community. As exhibiting applies to me, i find another path. A path that states i won't enter shows. Recently i watched one of my favorite movies Redbelt again. I watch it sometimes when emotionally i feel like i'm not in control of certain situations in life. The main character states calmly that he doesn't enter competitions because it's draining. It takes a lot out of artist, athlete to compete against others in the hopes of winning a prize. I find myself preparing myself with ideas of i would walk away with this award or prize money and ultimately getting a nice rejection letter in exchange. The time and energy that's put towards creating something free spirited is done so with the pressure of labor. I only find competition within myself. I find myself trying to draw a better drawing than the one i did previously. I understand fully that my works may never land myself on a grand scale of who's who in the art world but that's okay with me.
Overall i agree with dj Rob Swift it is draining, frustrating and upsetting to compete.

Ashley Skyy ( pic & sketch)

This is yet another sketch of Ashley Skyy. I can't remember how i found a picture to begin. i can say that her long hair, strong facial features, and self photo made this one an idea sketch.

More A$AP Rocky (pic & sketch)

this is actually my second sketch i did on this past Sat night, early Sun morning. I was so frustrated with the fact that the original sketch i spent about an hour on Sat afternoon i had to throw away. I began this slightly more detailed one.

A$AP Rocky (pic & sketch)

 I hate to say this but often my artwork is motivated by those fellow artist surrounding me. I look at their sketches/drawings and think to myself can they really be better than me? i know as an individual i should only be focused on myself. Making myself a better artist but often the small notes of jealousy creep in and i challenge myself.
This is yet another rap artist who i have only begun listening to. He have very little of his music but from what i am able to gather he has quite a big following.

The yearly Funk (of sorts)

i hate to say this but it generally comes around this time or later that i get emotionally down. I don't want to blame the hot weather because that's an easy cop out but this year is different. So many different changes that i'm going to openly share with everyone has harden me and made me the tortured artist at this moment.

1. the power to be/corporate management at Old Navy: want me performance managed out due to lack of organization and drive. 
2. i had to moved: that comes whole new set of bills including paying rent twice within a 2 week period
3. i took a trip to Florida: i over-extended my budget on that vacation to the point of actually becoming the starving artist last week
4. my relationship with my gf: all those things above has made my relationship with my gf, Cara even more rockier than normal.

Oddly enough you would think that those things would cripple me as a person and send my world into a tailspin. Honestly some of it has. I go to bed earlier emotionally drained and tired. I text less, talk on the phone and hang out with friends sparingly. I'm trying to auto-correct in my isolation. Still above all else i managed to draw. I draw more often 

now.

Donna whispers Thor!!! (pic & sketch)

This all started off as a small joke about our friend Donna. She was salivating over the actor that played Thor. She went on and on about how dreamy and well built he was, i guess in some aspects a lot of women would agree with her on that notion. This entire night at the drawing group we teased her about secretly whispering the name Thor as if he was a lost lover that she saw everywhere. Hence this drawing came from that small fact

my latest commission

it goes without saying my last commission didn't turn out to well. Of course i could've sat and allowed myself to be consumed with the idea that i'm not really that good of an artist. The honest truth is.. i'm not. That's what i draw and paint so often because my goal is to be mistake free, to become so focused that i won't make any mistakes ever again. So yes i draw 3 or 4 times a week for more than an hour because that's part of my quest to be great.
Enough ranting this is my sketch my sister asked for to give to my dad. It still isn't mistake free but i wanted to get back to my roots again. i wanted to do nothing but use a regular #2 pencil. Unheard of in the modern art world because not there's so many shades of pencil why would you use just one? The answer is simple to understand the weight and shade in which each stroke needs.

Julia (pic & sketch)

Julia is one of the people i follow on tumblr. I was drawne to her interesting artwork and the manner in which she presents it. Honestly a small part of me envy her talent. Well recently over the past months she's posted a  story telling about her journey. I was moved by her story enough to draw a small sketch of her. Granted it's not my masterpiece of all-time. But it's a small way i can pay respect to a person who is beautiful not only inside but outside as well.