i know i haven't post anything art related in a while regardless if i draw almost everyday or not. However this post will be one of the honest post about my past and my feelings towards the holidays. It's no great mystery that i dislike and i even go as far as to mention that i hate the holidays. Each year it comes around and this wound that once was a scab picked at and opened again. An extremely large part of lack of joy has to do with a broken heart. A broken heart that almost a decade later still hasn't been able to be fixed.
I was dating a girl that some would say out of my league. Her parents and previous boyfriends had been able to shower her with gifts and affection. At the time i been working part-time at Old Navy a little over a year, i was also a full-time college student. Between driving from Portsmouth to Chesapeake to Norfolk in any given day or combination i was broke most of the time. The holidays came around and even with my lack of money i began to think of ways to make Christmas special for her. On her short wish-list she wanted the retro Gameboy Advance. Honestly i couldn't afford it even if i tried. Christmas time finally came and i got her gifts (multiple things) i can't even remember what they are now. At my parents house she presented me with a candle and Ikea couch pillow. I know holidays is all about the thought. The thought that someone took the time to think about you during the holidays. Her gifting idea seemed more like something you would give to someone who showed up at your house on Christmas un-expecting rather than someone you had been dating. So there i was sitting on my couch looking at a pillow and candle feeling less than what i feel any person in a romantic relationship should ever feel like.
The second story is the one i have a hard time forgetting. It might be true that romantic relationships can be one sided sometime but no one ever hurts you the way the ones closest to you can. My relationship with this girl had been one of the longest ones at the time. We once tried the long distance dating even thought she living in Europe. At the moment i mentioned above we were just friends who kept in close contact. In September i finally got my tax refund money and roughly around that time we discussed that i would come see her again over the Christmas break. This time with the hopes of working things out. We still spoke regularly over the next couple of months but in November and she informs me that she had a new boyfriend. She dismissed the whole concept of me coming to see her altogether because she loved this guy and wanted to give it a fully focused attempt. When these words poured out i wasn't even upset about the non-refundable tickets. I was more upset with the fact that everything i had emotionally invested in was being torn down and broken right in front of me. It was one of the few times in my life that i begged for understanding and clarity. I couldn't understand why she would do this to me especially at what i thought was my lowest moments. I didn't go to see her but instead barricaded myself in my room and slept those would be trip away.
Honestly i have forgiven both women in these situations. I don't hold any ill will to anyone of them but i haven't forgotten yet. These stories are deeply rooted in my feelings towards Christmas. Each time of the year i get a little sadder than normal makes things extremely difficult this time of year. It seems that almost ever shift so far this year i've had someone yelling at my about things i didn't do, or complaining about their shift/schedule. For me at least this isn't the holidays nor is it my definition of happiest time of the year.
